Friday, after picking the boys up from Mom and Aunt Mar’s (Jenna was away on a Jr. Beta trip), we stopped by church to see Vicki for a moment. When we got there Ben asked if he could go out to the cemetery alone. It is heartbreaking to know that your nine year old son is going out to the graveyard to visit one of his best friends.
Ben is like me in that he is extremely private with his feelings, sometimes to the point of seeming flippant in times like this. In this post, I want to write about Ethan’s funeral and particularly how Ben has handled it.
Last week I said that Ben was probably handling Ethan’s death better than the rest of us. Well, it took a couple of days for this to really hit him. By Wednesday morning he had an upset stomach and was late to school. This happened again Thursday morning.
These two mornings afforded Vicki and Ben some time where they could talk about Ethan. Many of the things they talked about Vicki has shared with me. I will respect my son’s privacy here and only say that he has been working through some very deep emotions.
When we went to Ethan’s visitation at church Wednesday night Ben had to stop and sit down as soon as he walked in the door of the sanctuary. We sat with him on the back row and watched pictures for about 20 minutes until he was ready to go meet the family. I will say Farris, Robin, and Lanna did very well throughout the whole funeral process. When it came Ben’s turn to express his condolences Robin, Ethan’s mom, and Ben hugged for 20-30 seconds -- something that is highly uncharacteristic of my son. After taking some time to view Ethan’s body Ben left the room.
Later, as the time for visiting was coming to an end, Ben wanted to go look at Ethan again. At first there were several people around the casket so he had a hard time seeing. After a moment he gave up and sat by me. We talked some and then he went to sit hidden from view behind some flowers. This was when Sherry Parker was a fairy godmother to my son (more on this in the next paragraph). When some of the people moved away from the casket Ben went to look at his friend. Then he did something I have never been able to do -- he reached out and placed his hand on Ethan’s shoulder.
Thursday morning Ben wrote Ethan a letter. Sherry Parker suggested to Ben that he do this. Sherry has been Ethan’s author on his CaringBridge website (see http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/bibb). She is also known as his Fairy Godmother and has been a special source of strength for the Bibb family. As I mentioned above, Sherry spent some time with Ben behind the flowers at the visitation Wednesday night and it was then that she suggested he write Ethan a letter. Ben spent about 20 minutes on his letter. No one but Ben knows what he wrote. He placed it in Ethan’s casket before the funeral. I think her suggestion helped Ben have some closure because after writing the letter Ben told Vicki he wouldn’t need to be late for school any more.
The funeral service on Thursday evening was beautiful. Ben did very well. Our sanctuary, which seats around 800, was as full as it has ever been. Among those who sang were Marilyn Kahn, a close friend of the Bibbs and Ethan’s third grade teacher. I’ve never heard her sound better. Emma Shultz, a friend and schoolmate of Ethan’s, also sang and did an outstanding job. (It was said that Ethan had a crush on Emma.) Bro. Bill spoke. He is so gifted in finding the right things to say when people need comfort. Sherry Parker also spoke and read a story she wrote for Ethan (with his input) about a rainbow which was Ethan’s magical place to escape to when he was in pain. The person who spoke that I will remember the most was Farris, Ethan’s dad.
Thursday was a wet, messy day. I heard it said the sky was crying for Ethan. We had a break in the rain when it was time for the graveside service. A large number of people slogged out to the cemetery. After Bro. Bill offered some final words a Marine presented Robin with a Christian flag. Then Lesley McDaniel (see http://www.lesleymcdaniel.com/) sang “It Is Well” a cappella (his voice echoed beautifully off the trees beside the cemetery). When it was over many people reported seeing a rainbow as they were driving home.
Joe
